" ADD ... END ... UM "

 … In re-reading this blog to date, I noticed that reference to the symbolism of why certain techniques or fabrics had been chosen for use, has been omitted so decided to add an addendum. I started & then reconsidered it ... BUT as a blog is read, clarification is needed on the entry day … not some weeks later … otherwise things can get more confusing … even more so to myself should I want to retrace my (thinking) footsteps !

And that’s what I’m now going to do … an ADDENDUM - what an appropriate title for today!!

… ADD some additional info to earlier blog entries … END any confusion in the detail of techniques etc … & UM … (internet definition: “rather, um is used to signal an upcoming pause—usually uh for a short pause and um for a longer pause. The pause may be needed in order to find the right word, remember something temporarily forgotten, or repair a mistake. Um holds the floor for us while we do our mental work. It buys some time for thinking) … because I just think that it’s now so appropriate!! This panel is planned to be entirely a textile one although intermittently in my mind’s eye (while re-reading the blog), I can also now visualise it as a ‘computerised image’ too.

Mental Archives !

This blog is now up-to-date with the panel (as it is so far) -  it's taken quite a while as some of the initial thought processes had to be retrieved from the ‘mental archive’ (in my head)!! Anyway it’s all now documented & quite detailed although the Bernina 1630 is not yet back ... so … another thinking session will likely refer back to that original tattoo image (above) & see where that may lead!

BACK TO THE DRAWING BOARD

(above image an earlier mask sketch from several years ago but shows how I was feeling inside

- very cross!)

As the machine was left for repair & being unable to replicate the darning on the Janome, another process was initiated by stitching some automatic wording across the panel. The earlier tests some days ago, showed the lettering to be easily & perfectly stitched. Having no ‘panel test fabric’ to hand, the actual panel was used but after a few letters, found the automatic stitching wasn't responding well to the various thicknesses of fabric - especially across the thicker edging of the red silk & other layers. So … after unpicking these tiny stitches, a retry in another area had the same effect (& end result) so concluded this new machine, although stitching very nice lettering, did not respond very well to uneven layers of fabric especially with a slippery voile underneath - & thought this likely to be the main culprit! QUESTION .. where next?

As the 1630 wasn’t due to come back yet, the next best course of action was to stop stitching - a lesson learnt many years ago! … When sewing (or any other craft) gets “difficult” & continues to do this, it’s best to leave it for a while & come back later. Good advise so instead, the decision was made to update all events on this blog so far - especially as the panel was now beginning to “come alive & develop REAL PROBLEMS “!

Another Life Lesson !

Seeing the panel “coming to life” (above shows first signs of it just underneath the A where the fabric is crinkling up), increase in pressure on the foot pedal began in earnest as one of the things with any 'machine embroidery' is that once "you're into it", you just get lost as you become one with the machine as it stitches! Quite quickly (or so it seemed), all but the last two red panels were finished with thoughts of the next stages & what direction to next go. Jolting me out of thoughts, the machine thread had suddenly snapped (perhaps I should have stayed focussed on the job in hand?) & as I looked, yet again (the same as with the 1008), the thread had wrapped itself around the internal arm of the take-up lever with a short piece visible. MY COMMENT **** !

& QUESTION … WAS I CROSS? … EXCEEDINGLY

… but without further delay, off for repair it’s quickly gone!!! … & I’m just pleased it wasn’t the new machine but notice too that it doesn’t have the same hidden take-up lever linkage. Sewing since very young, I've never had this happen ever before .. so twice in a matter of weeks seemed very odd … QUESTION … is it just something with a Bernina machine? Asking in the shop about the repair, the answer was apparently some (?) Bernina machines have a tensioned spring within the take-up lever & if the thread snaps too quickly (before realising to stop sewing), it can result in exactly what happened. Likely then “it was because a very fine thread was being used while stitching was too fast” … & I can now only repeat one of my favourite sayings:

 “You’re never too old to learn”!

" SIGNS OF LIFE "

The red channels have been completed & although mentioning that there appeared to be ‘signs of life’ a few weeks ago (at the start of stitching the red channels), by the time all bandages had been inserted across the strips, it wasn't really visible again & continued with the stitching planned. BUT … QUESTION … what to do next especially feeling on the edge of another ‘mental block’? … Have a ‘play around’ with the new Janome machine seemed like a good idea so began this.

The new machine was easy to use - especially the push-button start that enabled no foot pedal control being necessary. It meant that this machine could be positioned further along the worktop without the need of a large kneehole - it could also be used on the central island unit if necessary. Placing it now alongside the 1630, various assorted stitching samples on both machines were carried out - on the Janome (above sample) pursuing some experiments with computerised lettering for a possible design direction.

As the calico & silk section was now pieced together, it was becoming apparent that the two opposing sets of words should also interweave or progress - just like the cycle of Anger. Looking at the words side by side (& in reality), those positive ones usually try to ’repair’ the negative ones with an attempt to ‘patch things up’ or ‘cover things over’ & within the confines of this panel, somehow ‘darning the (w)hole’ seemed to be a good solution! As I referenced each machine’s manual, ‘automatic darning’ on the 1630 stood out from other instructions & other questions were resolved!

Realising that the next steps would entail an automatic forwards & backwards movement of the fabric, I checked the panel’s reverse, to see the interfacing backing was beginning to crack & show signs of breaking up - likely because of overuse or age as the fabric was twisted & turned during stitching. The best solution would be for the entire panel to be reinforced & using a fine polyester net curtain offcut from another 'ragbag' (this word slang terminology for a specific type of person). This added layer was tacked in place & would now prevent any loose bits of interfacing dropping into the machine while stitching as well as holding all the panel layers together.

With the 1630, darning involves using the automatic buttonhole foot so got it out, attached it to the machine & with same multicolour thread used previously, began to darn across the calico & red silk panels. It wasn’t long before noticing, once again the panel was ‘having a life of its own’ & where several darning sections had been worked, the fabric was definitely ‘crinkling up’ around the bandage areas. On checking the back of the work, the fine curtain net was almost being “pulled” between darnings so decided to leave it & see what happened by the end of this stitching.

" OPPOSITES ATTRACT "

Wth the silk & bandages ready for use, thoughts moved to another set of words - positive ones - many often used to remedy situations or relationships & opposites to the first set. Recollecting the earlier ’ heart’ images (from 2012 & also that when finding the red silk), the word LOVE sprung to mind & looking then over at the panel finally stitched, happened to notice that the red silk strips had began to raise slightly & resemble “thickened veins”. On seeing this & next looking over towards the bandages, thoughts occurred of “being inside the heart” & actually witnessing physical effects of anger taking place … cuts & jabs sinking into each vein & as a bandage was being applied to the wound, watching the mark leave a visible ‘scar’ … so … QUESTION … could I somehow try to create this effect & if so, how? … & should there be another set of words?

LOVE was an opposite word to HATE which I’d already stitched … the heart images reminded me of those earlier from "Love Lies Bleeding” & reflecting on all sketches so far, those relating to tattoos become important once again & I decided there would be another set of words - this time positive ones. Reviewing research, a few words were chosen but they also had to "fit" with those already selected … especially for their meanings as each emotion progresses. In context of the panel, they also had to “physically fit in” & after several attempts, came up with these (negatives in brackets):

(Anger) - PEACE

(Hate) - LOVE

(Rage) - JOY

(Destroy) - CREATE

(Hurt) - HEAL

(Pain) - PLEASURE

(Empty) - INTENSE

(Numb) - ALIVE

(Cry) - LAUGH

But … QUESTION .. how to display these in contrast to the other 9? Reviewing the panel & its stitching so far, the red silk looked as if it was about to ‘crinkle up’ in places & form a tube-like channel - again noticing that it “had a life of its own” (something that can happen & will often guide me in its direction). Especially important to this piece was the need to let “emotions progress across the stitching” & felt this may be a way to capture it. Being ‘positive’, these 9 words were visibly ‘rounded’ so were easier to shape … QUESTION … could I use this channeling effect in a similar way as the printed cotton previously - again like a type of reverse appliqué?

Mentally doing this, the top fabric was cut away as a simple rounded outline to allow maximum visibility through a ‘shaped hole’ & with the previous set of thoughts regarding “looking through from inside a heart”, the earlier question was answered. Testing the bandage for size by threading it through the ‘red silk channel’, I found it fitted perfectly in the ‘tubing’ & decided this was definitely the path to follow. Marking each word on the red silk (across the panel) with a pencil (the usual fabric marker wasn’t working too well on this fabric), one word was left over - LAUGH … but somehow it didn’t seem important to include it at this stage so it was omitted.

After outlining all 8 words, a bandage strip was threaded through the slightly raised red silk channel & pinned into position. (Multiple bandage threading across several pieces of silk, had a tendency to crease the bandages more than just by inserting one & in turn, made stitching the letters more difficult, Noticing that the pencil outlines also became faint, the decision was made to insert one bandage at a time.) Each letter was then straight-stitched around but as the red silk easily frayed, only one silk strip at a time was completed. While doing this, I decided to ultimately use a single colour thread for satin-stitching around these letters -  a multi colour thread would distract from the outline shape so would be unsuitable.

" FRAYED EMOTIONS "

Reviewing the size of silk remnant, it was immediately visible that there was only sufficient for limited strips to be cut & by measurement, it provided exactly the size for similar strips to the calico ones (luck again?). Each calico strip was then tacked onto a backing of medium-heavy weight sew-in woven interfacing (from a large roll to be used up), positioning each one with a gap in readiness for the red silk later. (The decision to use the 1630 for satin-stitching around each letter was now made … after all, the new machine was too new to use yet!  - but this process would be done later, once the silk had been tacked & stitched in place.)

The silk insert strips were now tacked over the calico edges but being silk & somewhat loosely woven, their raw edges began to unravel so with use of the roller edge foot, were zigzagged in place. Several earlier experimental tests showed that this foot could “hold back the loose frayed ends” whilst stitching (see below).

Checking with the earlier sketches of colours & textures, a selection of multicolour embroidery threads were now used to satin-stitch around the letters. This helped to better defined the letter shapes & give them some ‘depth’, reinforce the impact of the individual words & also provide a gradual feeling of ‘progresssion’ or movement across the panel by utilising the matching of the multi-colour threads. NOTE: Although the previously attractive frayed edge of the silk (to symbolise “frayed emotions”) had been completed using the rolled-edge foot, by the end of satin-stitching the first 2 words, many of these frayed bits had “dropped away” as they became more unravelled while satin-stitching the letters or got caught into the stitching (see below). The decision was made to cut them all off. 

" STRIPPED BARE "

While working on the first set of words & trying to specifically position the coloured fabric pieces underneath the calico, a few days ago found that the scraps were too small. I switched techniques as thought it better to use a type of reverse appliqué since it also could symbolise the infliction of certain acts (eg. cut into, cover up). Also, individual calico strips will be easier to handle but also would enable another set of strips to be inserted between them if suitable. As all the fabrics selected were generally scraps or off-cuts (appropriately chosen to symbolise each emotive word), it now seemed more important to depict the progression of individual ‘events or actions’ with clear boundaries - visually quite separate when joined together.

Having outlined the first set of words (above) on the calico, it became clear that ‘opposing’ ones now were essential - after all, the panel was to depict the effect of Anger & as it was progressing - to display both negative & positive ones. Having just sufficient red silk to cut into strips, the decision was made to use ‘strip’ patchwork for joining together all words - the silk symbolising specific heart-felt feelings when encountering Anger (eg. Love). This particular type of patchwork would also depict any emotive words as being “stripped bare” or “stripped away”.

Placing the multicolour cotton pieces under each letter of the words, all calico strips had their fabric layers tacked into position ready for straight-stitching around each outlined letter to secure all layers in place at the outlined edge. After this was completed for each word, the calico letter-shape was cut away close to the straight stitching, to reveal the assorted colours of the printed cotton underneath - image below showing all 9 words ready for the next stage.

" SPLITTING APART "

Feeling on the right track, I’m going along with my thoughts & make a start. (Uncertain if the 9 words will be ultimately suitable, I’ve decided to stitch each word separately - it will be easier to stitch & any word could be altered or changed later if necessary.) The words will be drawn out to a specific size (resembling the felt-tip drawing previously) & each letter will be traced off onto some fabric ready for patchwork or appliqué. Into my first drawer of ‘large scraps’ I find some pieces of cotton calico - perfect for using as a base fabric as it’s “unbleached & not fully processed” texture, could impart what Anger is often considered as being. I get them out & one is just the right size  so start with the individual letters by tracing the words on to the calico & then cut each ‘word’ into separate strips.

Having already picked cotton for the bandages (& now have them dyed), the significance of a ‘heart rears its head again’ & I immediately think of ‘LOVE’. As this too is an emotion (but a positive one) & from research to date, have concluded anger often is connected, begin to consider ‘emotional contrasts’. Pondering on this thought (with images of Indian weddings & red saris - why, I don’t know) I start to think of an opposing fabric to cotton … silk … by cost, by quality, by weave, by colour. Rummaging in the silk ‘remnants bag’, I find a piece ‘exactly the same blood colour’ (below) of the bandages & as I pull it out, immediately symbolise it as a ‘heart’ & LOVE. At the centre of any feelings & with its ‘rough weave’, the silk will impart a ‘rawness’ to any overall stitching & in contrast to the bandage cotton, will symbolise ‘blood’ & positive feelings.

A further rummage in another bag, results in some multicolour remnants of printed cotton & by laying these alongside the torn-up magazine sheets & painted emotional textures, appropriate fabrics are easily chosen (below) & by doing this, specific words match exactly with the fabrics … & another question was answered!

However it soon became apparent that some of the coloured fabric scraps were too small to be used for the patchwork panels I had envisaged. … so … QUESTION … how to achieve this now? 

" WORD PLAY "

The set of 9 negative words were seen as being ‘sharp & angled’ & with an “edge” - for this reason, they were drawn having crisp & straight edged letters. Any fabrics selected for each word must contain the appropriate colours & general pattern shapes , as too must any threads for specific stitches as this would reinforce each of the words’ defined meaning. Further sketches led to imagery of a textile patchwork panel made-up from individual letters & words but again, it didn't have any “instinctive overall feel”. Playing Scrabble the previous night, led to thoughts of ‘playing around’ with the emotive words & forming interlinked ones … BUT … QUESTION ... could this be a better solution? A few quick sketches on this idea were also OK but still didn’t really show what I hoped it to … however .. QUESTION .. if this was some sort of idea forming, what colours would be used & on what type of fabrics?

Several sketches of words with a ‘downward’ progression of individual letters forming vertical words were completed - overall representing the ‘negative’ direction each of these words would convey.  By writing them down on paper, drawing & generally just “playing” with their letters, a clear picture began to appear. BUT … QUESTION … how to make the words ‘do something’? On a sheet of paper, I changed & altered their sizes & shapes & soon, other words began to appear in amongst the 9 words. I wrote the down separately & proceeded to colour in that first sketch using felt tip pens (see below): 

I thought it rather ironic that 13 other words were “hidden away” within those 9 … especially as so many were indeed often “Hidden actions” by those who are angry .. as well as ones forced on those who are were victims!

PUNCH - HIT - GAG - TERROR - RAPE - STAB - READY - BAD - PUSH - GRIP - CUT - ME - YET

As a result of these word exercises, a patchwork (& possibly quilted) panel is now being considered. By using fabric ‘scraps’ (as unnecessary & left-over remains) for the letters & words, I wonder if I may be able to imply “perceived injuries or irrational thoughts” from the negative feelings as they are displayed. More thoughts (whilst completing some alterations) on this, add another technique - appliqué. Both techniques are used for the same purpose … to patch or repair & to apply or cover  … 2 methods that are similar but use fabric scraps quite differently by their manner of stitching. Many of the repercussions of Anger feature actions that inflict a physical wound … Cut - Jab - Hit - Punch … & they can all ultimately leave some sort of ‘mark or raised impression’.

Colour & Texture for NEGATIVITY

BACK TO REALITY … & again, another QUESTION? … following the bobbin experience, I ask myself what is Anger - how does it start - what process is involved - why does it happen - when does it finish… & how can it be shown graphically? Using my experiences of (mild) anger in different situations (a recent one being the bobbin & another when I pricked my finger on white fabric!), the best place to start was there! QUESTION? ... what colours did I see?

Researching those emotions involved directly or indirectly with Anger (& with first-hand experiences of several people I’ve come across), an extensive variety of words & phrases were considered as being important or significant. They were written down & predominantly found to be “negative” - especially those ones considered as being “un-useful for situations or  relationships” as it appeared these could easily spiral out of control. Finally, 9 emotive ones were selected as for the ‘cycle of anger’ to be displayed (ie. as it starts & ultimately ends):

ANGER - HATE - RAGE - DESTROY - HURT - PAIN - EMPTY - NUMB - CRY

Trying to envisage each of the above ‘emotive stages’ progressing, colour magazines were flicked through as the word was thought about. (Although I have often used other methods of recording ideas, this time I wanted “instant effects” quickly, so selected pieces of print depicting what I immediately visualised & matched to my anger.) If an image matched my feelings (with colour), it was torn out, the word written down & alongside, my immediate description of what I felt (see below):

Anger - suddenly explodes

Hate - is focused

Rage - spirals in any direction

Destroy - completes and is aimed or targeted

Hurt - 

Pain - is sharp and pointed is like ice

Empty - a void

Numb - feels nothing

Cry - comes in waves

This magazine tearing exercise was easy to do so the “ripping out” (use of torn fabric maybe?) was repeated again - this time, the word was envisaged as having texture as a shape or form & this was noted too:

Anger - red - harsh

Hate - purple - swirl

Rage - deep purple, red black - solid

Destroy - black - void

Hurt - orange/blue - sharp

Pain - greying - muting

Numb - clear - disappear

Empty - greyed edges - outlines

Cry - blue - soft

After doing these, the ripped page segments were vertically stuck down on a sheet of paper (a downward spiral suggestion perhaps?) with wording scribbled alongside for those feelings of the colours & textures I’d visualised. A further ‘rough sketch’ (below) depicting the ‘shapes or form’ imagined, was quickly painted which I hoped to use later for possible fabric selection.

" STITCHES IN TIME " & a top-loading bobbin !

At this stage, it's very easy to head off in many other directions & am sure if there was sheets of metal easily to hand, a large 3D metal Anger structure would soon appear! But the piece to be made is a textile one … especially as I look over to see my latest sewing machine reminding me of what I’m here for! Since 1972, an Elna SU has been my main sewing machine & it’s done everything wanted as a designer/dressmaker. When broken & stitching was no longer perfect, they were replaced with ones found on eBay but unfortunately they can no longer be repaired & I’m now using the final one.

Teaching dressmaking for many years, I’ve witnessed various sewing users & always recommended Bernina machines - especially as it was a first choice of mine in 1970s (when purchasing the first Elna) but at the time they were too expensive for me. I dearly loved my Elna, had almost every sewing foot & accessory for it but had also obtained some other machines for other specific uses. Along with an overlocker (still going since the 1978), I also had an industrial & domestic computerised Pfaff machines for several years. The industrial one was finally sold & after an expensive repair to the domestic one, some 15 years ago, traded it in for second-hand Bernina 1630 (above) - a computerised machine with touch screen. About 3 years ago, an upgraded Juki overlocker was bought (with so many more stitching options than the one already owned) & then last year (after the trusty Elna had become a bit more noisy), thought an investment in a Bernina 1008 would be a good next step. Unlike the other Elna or 1630 machines, it had a front loading bobbin & every time it was used, the bobbin ended up rolling across the floor with me becoming increasing ‘rather angry’ about it. Also, it wasn’t as precise as the old Elna, found the tension to be less reliable & overall, used it less as I became more dissatisfied with it.

NOW FOR THE BEST BIT … Recently, while “playing around” & experimenting with some stitching for the Anger panel, the fine embroidery thread in the needle snagged & snapped in half! … I clearly saw part of it was wrapped around the inner spindle of the take-up lever … & my Elna would never have done this! After contacting the local shop, found it was now essential to have it repaired but after further discussion, decided to trade it in. The choice now was between a computerised Bernina 540 or a Janome 8900 & after Internet surfing both, decided on the latter - the main reasons being: it had a long arm (suitable for quilting or other large jobs), a push button & foot pedal control (which maybe in tyhe future very useful) but best of all, it had a top loading bobbin!

I’m highlighting all this within the story of the Anger panel for 2 reasons:  firstly I experienced a small sequence of “minor anger issues!” as a result of the 1008 front loading bobbin & secondly, the plan is to use both the new Janome & the 1630 for making the panel  & apart from recording my creative thoughts & ideas, included in the narrative are those experiences of the equipment being used - especially these 2 machines.

Tattoos & " SHAPES PASSING THROUGH "

While the bandage use awaits an answer, an Internet detour focusses on old & early Tattoos relating to HEART & LOVE symbols (both being significant images during the past month) although there are just as many with various pieces of WEAPONRY included. With knives & daggers now included (for anger links to cut - thrust - jab - chop), further ideas quickly get drawn in a heart.

These sketches propel me further along: Anger often displays itself as a "weapon" - it can be verbally cutting as well as making physical cuts … but now another QUESTION? ... is not the so-called “knife culture" created by anger? … & what of religious & cultural clashes, can that not be included too? Playing around with some more words & sketches, suddenly one starts to "make sense".

It shows a heart dissected by 2 swords that cut with some simple emotive words & happy with this idea, visualises completed as a metal structure but because of a more religious feel, decide on another design, paint it & hope it will redirect me to textiles!

 But no ... it is definitely a metal 3D structure & as I’m not working in metal, have to give it a miss!

" EMOTIONAL DEMONS "

The relevance to the above panel appears more significant now especially if envisioning two sets of emotions: those of a person being angry together with those opposing ones but if a “Demon” is involved, more QUESTIONS ... if emotional demons are used & Anger is one, what is the opposing one? … & what would they both look like? Thoughts of imaginary dragons & ‘Night Demons’ are envisaged but none really feel as suitable for this new panel & in contemplating "where to go next", the mental link of ‘Dragons & Demons’ quickly has “old tattoos” misting into sight alongside appropriate wording.

Continuing now with on-line “tattooing research”, a few thought-provoking emotional words are sketched & whilst reading various anger issues at the same time, come across several people with tattoos. Although I don’t suggest in any way this specific creative practice directly links to anger, it could provide some sort of "implied mark" for it & then discover some “forms of tattooing marks” are indirectly connected to anger - for example those as used for slavery - bondage - prisoners & even for body mutilation. SO … QUESTION … can these latter ones be included to be symbolic? Further research concluded they would be an important aspect … and then I realised the significance of the bandages I made at the beginning & glad several lengths had been made … BUT QUESTION … how & where to use them?

" BLEEDING HEARTS "

Todays thoughts again resurrect those samples of 2012. They were experiments (often seen as “playing around”) involving the effect of heat on some plastic bags, glue, nylon fabrics & threads whilst investigating first-hand the effects of colour on specific “mixed media type textiles”. One sample in particular (above), reminded me of a broken heart (possibly to be completed as a plastic machine embroidery) but like many ideas, can often get put on a “back-burner” for a day when they can start to “come to life”.

And so it was with this one - thoughts arriving that many results of anger ultimately can end with some form of “broken heart” & for an unexplained reason, feel it being as symbolic to the Anger panel. QUESTION … when a heart is broken, how does it begin to mend? … & that thought drew memories of some photos taken of the plant known as “Love Lies Bleeding” (amaranths caudates). However, being unable to locate the set of photos for reference, a quick on-line screen-shot (similar to the one I’d taken) clearly shows a heart-like shape that’s bleeding!

Although there’s the question of where have the photos gone, I’ll stay focussed with the next real QUESTION … what happens if a heart is bleeding? … & could bandages be wrapped around it too? … & would this be a way of showing what was important in the panel? To record these first thoughts, a few more sketches & a final one of overpainting the earlier one from 2 days ago results in this:

& in doing this, I mentally drift off to my slide-show once again!

Questions & hopefully Answers

(Above: Water-colour heart sketch "emotions of the heart")

Starting work on any project, questions quickly arrive in abundance but as there’s only me in the studio working, there’s only me to answer PLUS there’s no-one to disagree! So in thinking of the 2013 heart a week ago, another Anger-related QUESTION ... what is at the ‘heart of the matter’ …  is it LOVE?  ... because like many emotions, apart from originating in the mind, they are equally linked to the heart. With these thoughts, some quick sketches (one above) along with more QUESTIONS … what usually makes someone angry? - their love of something or someone & how it is being altered? … maybe in a manner they are unable to change or stop &/or a frustration they are unable to control?

This question &/or answer scenario often helps provide direction to my work & as I’m usually thinking whilst drawing or working, will often find answers come about from whatever I’m actively doing - a type of ‘instinct’ I suppose. (From a young age, I have possessed a very photographic memory & find that as I work, thoughts run through something resembling a slide-show of imagery as I make visual connections to patterns or colours as a thought is considered. The correct vision is felt as a ‘gut-feel’ & it’s usually this that takes me a step forward.) When this doesn’t happen as a result of ‘lack of specific information’, this usually then gets researched for more detailed knowledge. 

This is especially true when using the Internet - it’s so much faster to obtain specific &/or detailed information. The computer research displaying on-line, concluded that was basically anger always has a reason & in its extreme, the cause is often a feeling of frustration that is unable of being adequately expressed. Everyone can get angry but when it overtakes other emotions & spirals out-of-control, it becomes dangerous & usually results in physical &/or emotional damage to other people as well as objects in the path! And it’s a ‘sequence of thoughts’ that invariably has the most dramatic & devastating effect on all the people involved - their relationships, their work as well as their day-to-day existence. And it was this emotive effect I wanted to capture … that progression of emotions displayed by the person who is primarily “angry” & the effect it has on themselves as well as any “intended victim(s)”.

Over the years, I’ve also had first-hand experiences of being with people recognised as “extremely angry” for one reason or another so felt this information could be used too. Comparing their actions together with the researched information & how it made me feel, it became easier to understand & actually “feel” the particular emotions being discovered or felt & thought this should be included too. By now it felt more important to depict specific emotions & somehow display them in an almost tactile way - not just as a thought but how it physically appeared within a situation. QUESTION … could I perhaps show that as emotions increase & spiral, they can progress with such devastating effect but also could it also portray what is happening & how quickly it can change?

" MENTAL BLOCKAGES "

After pressing, the set of bandages look very realistic hanging on the studio “washing line” (above) & it occurs to be that at some point in time (emotionally), ‘hearts’ often get broken too … QUESTION … was this significant too? As is quite normal when completing any creative work, there are invariably “mental blockages” that occur while working - minutes, hours or even days when what to do next is unknown! And now here's my first! Knowing that the panel was going to be textile based … QUESTION … what to do now with all the bandages just made? … & as ‘research the topic’ is often something that works well & perhaps something that should have been started immediately (rather than just follow first instincts)!

The Internet is a marvellous place for research - information is found extremely quickly, extracted & linked where appropriate. At the same time, creative thoughts generate in my head quicker than when researching using “real books” where I end up with a rather large book pile with bits of paper bookmarking different pages yet noticeably less creative!  For this particular piece of work, it was also important to record my work & ideas with more spontaneity - especially as the topic being explored generally appeared to be one of this … viewed as I referenced the many Anger issues & their accounts !

" BANDAGE & BONDAGE "

The significance of using bandages was now much clearer but there had to be ‘visible blood on the bandages’ for them to look realistic - both in their fabric type & final colouring. By matching ‘fresh’ blood & not dried blood, would also imply the event was happening in ‘real time’ as opposed to one of the past & as bandages are usually made from a woven cotton, any ‘dying’ of this natural fabric, would obtain a more precise shade. However, dyeing fabric is somewhat labour intensive when trying to obtain exact shades, so instead chose to use fabric paints as a better solution.

As well as creating textiles, I also make & repair clothes as well as furnishings - it also gives me time to think & consider ideas for other projects. Today I’m hand stitching some trouser hems & as luck would have it, prick my finger so suddenly think it’s the ideal opportunity to obtain a first-hand colour sample (result above on paper tissue) of my blood. Mentally moving rapidly from hand sewing to the Anger panel, a piece of cotton fabric (an old pressing cloth) is located to use as reference for a blood stain (a bandage is cotton too). Also, where fabric dyes are concerned (ultimately to make the blood colour), natural fabrics respond much better than synthetic ones to obtain a better range of colours & so can be more realistic. (At this early stage, the use of natural fabrics seem to be important too - most likely because of the “natural & raw” emotions to be involved.) After leaving this ‘pin pricked” bloody sample (see above) to dry for a couple of days, the next job was to start mixing the fabric paints.

It was easier & quicker to colour match & by trial & error, also found that when diluted to a more blood-like consistency, ‘soaked blood’ stains (see above) were better replicated as well as ‘blood spots’ when splattered. Mixing reds with differing amounts of black, purple, blue &/or brown created a range of different “blood colours” & when dry, compared them for realism against mine. Maintaining authenticity & using an old cotton sling (one of many pressing cloths used in dressmaking), lengths were cut into appx. 5cm wide strips. After several attempts with fabric positioning on a plastic sheet, the bandage strips were fairly quickly & individually daubed & splattered with “paint blood” & left to dry overnight.

" SEEING RED "

Today, again the 2013 heart springs to mind but at this stage, still don’t know why ... However, experiencing Covid Lockdown I’m thinking it’s a very good time to start a commission for a panel regarding the “emotional effects of anger” - after all, I was experiencing this "angry" situation where you couldn't do exactly what you wanted to  ... in fact this was the true case globally. But at least I could do something “to stay sane” … & surely by experiencing some sort of anger, wasn’t it also a good first-hand exercise?

So … to get going … research more about the topic of ANGER … BUT at first glance, it appears to be fairly simple! After all, when you “see red” that is what you must see - RIGHT? … maybe a better starting point would be colour … QUESTION … what often happens in anger? In many instances (from general research regarding the effects of Anger on all those involved), people often get physically harmed … blood is often seen … & bandages are usually needed so first thoughts were those from physical acts. When anyone bleeds, by “controlling the bleeding”, things can begin to mend so … QUESTION … could a bandage be used for a symbol of control?

Further research confirmed Anger was indeed a ‘controlling method’ but also discovered what was involved in a ‘cycle of anger’. Reading more, “a bandage” became more significant as these fabric strips could also represent ties, ropes or gags used for various ‘forms of bondage’. It was also interesting to note that the 2 words were almost identical in their spelling with just an A or O being different. I now had my answer … so off to start making some blood-soaked strips of fabric for the panel to begin!

" PAINTING EYES IN A DRAGON "

Memories of "The Night Parade of 100 Demons" from last month, have now moved to a machine embroidered panel made in the 1990’s (see above). Entitled "Painting the eye of a dragon”, it’s a wall-panel (appx. 46” x 22” / 117cm x 56cm) that began life as a sample demonstration for tie-dyeing within a “colour workshop”. A piece of cream Habotai silk was randomly dyed using several tins of Dylon cold water powder dye & when dried & pressed, the resulting piece of fabric displayed a wonderful imaginary skyline. At the subsequent workshop using fabric paint, a decision to overpaint small sections with metallic silk paints, highlighted certain aspects of the “clouds” visualised & a very storm-like sky appeared. Like many things worked on in the past (& at a particular point in time), the piece often develops “a life of its own” where all that is necessary for me, is to just complete what’s seen "in my mind's eye"! It was at this ‘clouds stage’ of imagination where the fabric transposed itself into a panel with a visual story:  two mythical beings opposing one another within a dark & stormy skyline. With the addition of machine embroidery, it would be seen as a ‘fight’ between two dragon-like creatures ... battling somewhere between an imaginary “heaven & earth” … fighting between right & wrong … good & evil.

When finished, it symbolised a personal view of life ... how things change ... how lives alter ... how without positive & negative energies, we all battle on a daily basis to keep things "on an even keel". Remaining unnamed for several months, one day while reading an article about Chinese artwork on the Internet (& when modems were connected to a phone line!), I read this:

In Southern Liang Dynasty (502–557 C.E.) lived a painter named Zhang Sengyao who was known for his incredible lifelike paintings &who was especially adept at painting dragons. Many people, from emperors to Buddhist priests, hired him to decorate their residences, temples, and murals with his artwork. One day, as the painter was finishing up a mural of four dragons, people walking by noticed that he left the eyes of the dragons unpainted. “How come you are leaving the eyes blank?” the people asked. The painter replied that if he drew the eyes of the dragons in, the dragons would fly away into the sky. The people were incredulous and urged the painter to finish his mural, so the painter sighed and drew in the eyes of two of the four dragons. As soon as he finished with the eyes of the second dragon, the clouds in the sky darkened and the winds began gusting. Lightning streaked across the sky and at the clap of thunder that followed, the people saw the two dragons separate themselves from the mural, and fly up into the sky.

Reading that description, it exactly captured my embroidered panel & hence it was duly named “Painting Eyes in a Dragon”. The significance now was that it posed a QUESTION (one of many I’m sure) … could I use this general imagery in a way that represented “progressing emotions”?

The very beginnings of a panel aka Project: Anger (yet untitled)

(NOTE: The 2013 "heart" above is symbolic to this piece - there is more about it later

but for the time being is just here to lead in to this narrative)

In April 2020, I was commissioned to make a panel about the “emotional effects of Anger” & with Covid lockdown, also decided to  document it - all the trials & tribulations that would be encountered … its processes, the techniques & everything else that is involved in making a creative piece of work. It will also include personal thoughts & feelings - both on the subject material & on those creative processes that will be used. Nothing will be randomly selected but it all represents &/or symbolises aspects of specific emotions, actions or reactions as detailed within the panel. Like many things made over the years, I often create ‘from the heart’ … where feelings & thoughts get displayed as being pieces of textile or mixed media items. So here goes ...

When asked to make this piece, one of the first things that sprung to mind was visualising Anger as a "demon” & after checking the Oxford dictionary (see below definition), thought this to be a perfect choice:

An evil spirit or devil, especially one thought to possess a person or act as a tormentor in hell.

A cruel, evil or unmanageable person.

A powerful, often destructive compulsion or obsession.

Something very insidious & harmful.

Reckless mischief; devilry.

A forceful or skilful performer of a specified activity.

However, to graphically display this somehow & yet demonstrate an “emotional effect” was to be the next step & in thinking of ‘Demon’, I remembered a Japanese interactive display "The Night Parade of 100 Demons" seen at the Cardiff museum in 2018.